I dont want to wait anymore.
Waiting sucks. I mean it really sucks. There are few things in my life that I want right now. I mean really really really badly. People who know me well also know just how intensely I can will things into existence—even if it almost kills me. Part of me is writing this post because I am hoping that it provides some sort of catharsis. Maybe someone else out there is going through the same thing.
I am a very impatient person by nature though. I mean if I had one horrible wretched vice it would be my impatience. I find that my lack of patience has given my friends license to frequently throw down the phrase, “the case of too soons” regarding my actions regularly. I have probably botched more relationships, activities, events, homework, projects and a countless number of other things because of this horrible vice. Really, though.
So, if you recognize a problem though apply a solution. Not so much. Patience is a characteristic that you have to work on day by day, minute by minute, and second by second. It is the characteristic that is the worst to develop because the people who are impatient by nature—will never spend the necessary time or fermentation to develop it. They will just scramble for another quality to work on—one that requires less time. I do this. I have learned how to be stronger, faster, smarter, exe. However, patience—the one elephant in the room—still stands there, immovable and large and I hate it.
In order to defeat this foe perhaps I should just do what it wants me to do. Give in. Wait. Be patient. Now that really sucks. I thought that developing qualities meant that you had to actively fight to win and pursue them. In order to be faster, you need to go running more. In order to paint better you need to take an art class. In order to learn more you need to attend class frequently and read books. But what do you do to develop patience? I mean really. I have not found a Patience for Dummy’s book at the local Barnes and Noble lately. Boo.
I could offer a lot of really deep quotes about this topic. I am sure some Russian author has something to say on the “time heals all wounds” mantra. But I don’t know, their words still only give me ten seconds of relief and then one long hour later I am bemoaning the fact that nothing I want has still happened yet. I mean if you knew you were going to win the lottery in one year, but had to wait exactly one year in order to claim your winnings, could you wait? or would you fight to bring it sooner?
Maybe happiness and satisfaction is found in the small and simple things though. I should look at a flower differently today. I should smile at a child. I should not want the future so badly. I don’t know what the future brings. Even if it does bring good things—with the good always comes the bad. For every action there is an equal an equal and opposite reaction. Greatest joys are often accompanied with the greatest sorrows. So, if I want the greatest happiness I must also be prepared to deal with great sadness as well. This is true. Am I ready for great sadness? Nope, maybe—I don’t know.
It is back to working on patience then.