Thoughts on change and what not: "You can never cross the ocean until you have the courage to lose sight of the shore." 

–Christopher Columbus

Poem I wrote before going to Russia

 strings 

It’s continuously a perpetual “Cold War” but on an individual level. The other never knows of, never trusts the other side. Oh how can this miscommunication be healed or where is the peace that lies between both—where can understanding be reached?

 But not temporary understanding, but true, consistent definitive relationships? 

Is there a way to overcome perpetual defense and attack, defense and attack, perpetual misperception and perpetual confusion? 

How many years does it span and how long must a soul harrow up this perplexity? Is there solace? Is there a bridge? 

Oh, if there could be a rope even at least a sturdy one, for even a single point to be communicated exactly and in a manner that the other side has no hesitancy in understanding, what it is? 

What is the modem with which we may build this street, this passage, this tunnel or this car? 

Can it ever come to fruition?  Is it impossible to see a unified place or connect between two different personal histories? 

I can’t understand. I can’t communicate singular thoughts. I know not the hardship, nor the pain, nor distress, nor agony. I know not, for I have experienced not. How then with my background of my own can I explain or attempt with some coherence and honesty of my own, connect and share my meager experience with something over there? With a pain I don’t understand. Can different frequencies become one or do they always distinctly remain themselves un-interrupted, everlasting and whole but trying not so for they never met. 

What is the point in all our separation and longing to remain apart consistently without ever a place to meet? 

It is so painful. Why must we remain such?

 Can miss communicated animosity build harmony or similar wavelengths, does perpetual distinction and separation produce a whole. 

Does completion between two separates create a solution that we so desperately yearn for? 

Or does remaining apart—the only answer perpetually ingrained in ones own self or unit—never stepping outside alone. 

Maybe crossing the barrier to the other sea is right. Where you know, no one has want of me. Perhaps you cannot understand, what stepping and crossing and realizing the other sand will truly bring. Perhaps you can be a rope or a string that will begin a bridge for generations unseen. Perhaps. Perhaps not. But then let me throw my string across and see. For if I but fail at least I will know that I did, instead of not testing the experiment and sitting idly by, wondering what my little string would have done for a person, a people and why…I feel so desperately weak and tired and useless as a string, but maybe bringing other strings will build a better bridge. Oh if only people could see what my little string did…and what theirs could have been.

- Sara Jarman

I never know how. I only know who.

Thoughts on fate.

 

 

 I have always been obsessed with the idea of fate. Some things are just fated to be. However, an individual’s agency also plays into fate’s power. Thus—the paradox. So, how can fate determine destiny if we make conscience decisions every day that are of our own accord.

I don’t know.

All I know is that throughout my life I have found myself in the right places at the right time when I needed to be. The majority of the time life just happens in some chaotic pattern (at least seemingly so), and the greater universe isn’t necessarily concerned with whether we go to Safeway or Whole Foods on our 6:00 shopping run. But sometimes, sometimes the universe does care.

I have found that the greatest events in my life have often come about through the small and simple things—the events that don’t seem so earth-shattering.

Often our fates are actively written unawares.

So, until I find a crystal ball it will be just day by day living then. And perhaps maybe one day, my decision about whether or not to go to Safeway or Whole Foods will matter. But I can’t know that now—right?

Just some other random thoughts sort of tied in....

"But I would argue that as the shape of time has changed around it, the meaning of patience today has reversed itself from its original connotations. The virtue of patience was originally associated with forbearance or sufferance. It was about conforming oneself to the need to wait for things. But now that, generally, one need not wait for things, patience becomes an active and positive cognitive state. Where patience once indicated a lack of control, now it is a form of control over the tempo of contemporary life that otherwise controls us. Patience no longer connotes disempowerment—perhaps now patience is power"

-          Jennifer L. Roberts

 

 

 

Hween.

 

I was the famous Afghan girl, Sharbat Gula, from the National Geographic magazine and that is Lawrence of Arabia.

 

 

 

Timing-the great foe of my existence.

I dont want to wait anymore.

 

 

 

Waiting sucks. I mean it really sucks. There are few things in my life that I want right now. I mean really really really badly. People who know me well also know just how intensely I can will things into existence—even if it almost kills me. Part of me is writing this post because I am hoping that it provides some sort of catharsis. Maybe someone else out there is going through the same thing.

I am a very impatient person by nature though. I mean if I had one horrible wretched vice it would be my impatience. I find that my lack of patience has given my friends license to frequently throw down the phrase, “the case of too soons” regarding my actions regularly. I have probably botched more relationships, activities, events, homework, projects and a countless number of other things because of this horrible vice. Really, though.

So, if you recognize a problem though apply a solution. Not so much. Patience is a characteristic that you have to work on day by day, minute by minute, and second by second. It is the characteristic that is the worst to develop because the people who are impatient by nature—will never spend the necessary time or fermentation to develop it. They will just scramble for another quality to work on—one that requires less time. I do this. I have learned how to be stronger, faster, smarter, exe. However, patience—the one elephant in the room—still stands there, immovable and large and I hate it.

In order to defeat this foe perhaps I should just do what it wants me to do. Give in. Wait. Be patient. Now that really sucks. I thought that developing qualities meant that you had to actively fight to win and pursue them. In order to be faster, you need to go running more. In order to paint better you need to take an art class. In order to learn more you need to attend class frequently and read books. But what do you do to develop patience? I mean really. I have not found a Patience for Dummy’s book at the local Barnes and Noble lately. Boo.

I could offer a lot of really deep quotes about this topic. I am sure some Russian author has something to say on the “time heals all wounds” mantra. But I don’t know, their words still only give me ten seconds of relief and then one long hour later I am bemoaning the fact that nothing I want has still happened yet. I mean if you knew you were going to win the lottery in one year, but had to wait exactly one year in order to claim your winnings, could you wait? or would you fight to bring it sooner?

Maybe happiness and satisfaction is found in the small and simple things though. I should look at a flower differently today. I should smile at a child. I should not want the future so badly. I don’t know what the future brings. Even if it does bring good things—with the good always comes the bad. For every action there is an equal an equal and opposite reaction. Greatest joys are often accompanied with the greatest sorrows. So, if I want the greatest happiness I must also be prepared to deal with great sadness as well. This is true. Am I ready for great sadness? Nope, maybe—I don’t know.

It is back to working on patience then.

Came across this on my run. Someone stole their chessboard.

Pretty upset about that.

More thoughts on Russia. It was hard. Click below to learn more!

SAJ's Russia Journey